realuniversitylife

The Honest Truth: Loneliness at University

This is a bit more of a serious topic today. I was prompted to write this after reading an article yesterday about loneliness, isolation and its impact on physical health. [Article linked here: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/feb/07/loneliness-social-connect-local-communities ]. With younger adults being the largest group to report feelings of loneliness, it seems appropriate to address it and try to reduce some of the stigma.

I think what people struggle with when feeling lonely at university is that they didn’t expect to experience those feelings in this part of their lives. You’re surrounded by tens of thousands of fellow students. Plus, social media will trick you into thinking that everyone else is constantly having fun with their friends, because of course everybody posts about those times, not the times when they are alone. So whenever you are alone it feels wrong – or, at least I know it did for me for a long time. I would think, ‘Why am I sat here on my own when I’m surrounded by thousands of other people who are having fun? What’s wrong with me?’ I had loads of friends in my flat and on my course; I was having fun clubbing and going to the pub and just hanging out with my friends. Yet I still felt like a loner, a social outcast almost. I was jealous and paranoid every time I heard my friends socialising without me, even if it was just because they’d bumped into each other in the hallway. I had a flatmate who I would go see almost every time I had an evening alone, or he would come to see me, so that I didn’t feel lonely (though I didn’t tell him that was the reason for fear of sounding sad). But after the holidays we didn’t get back into the routine of seeing each other, which made my evenings much emptier. Cue the loneliness.

It wasn’t until recently that I understood that it wasn’t me that was weird or a loner. I hadn’t opened up to anyone about my feelings of loneliness until a flatmate mentioned that him and his girlfriend both said they felt lonely at university sometimes. My flatmate is an outgoing man with lots of friends and a girlfriend who he sees often. And even he can feel lonely. It was then that the realisation that everyone spends time alone hit me. It is impossible to be with other people 24/7 and frankly that just sounds tiring. It is perfectly normal to spend time alone and that doesn’t mean I don’t have friends that care about me (something that had been a worry of mine).

It would be a lie to say I never feel lonely anymore. But I now can feel lonely without feeling like a loner and I do have my methods of minimising those feelings. I’ve been a diary-keeper on and off for many years of my life. Whilst this isn’t for everyone, I do find that writing down things I’ve done that day and the good social interactions I’ve had helps me focus on the positive aspects of my day, rather than the time I spent alone. Secondly, I find that loneliness kicks in when I have a lot of free time so finding ways to keep busy was a game changer for me. I go to the gym often – about 5 times a week – which takes about 2 hours out of my day, and attend fitness classes. I am part of a dance society and take part in their classes/events about twice a week. I occasionally volunteer with my university’s fundraising society and I work one shift every 1-2 weeks for my job with my university. All of these activities keep me busy but are also very productive so make me feel good about my life! Also, all of them, except the gym, involve some social interaction, which is useful even though it is not specifically with my friends. On top of university work, and writing for this blog, my schedule is pretty packed.

Feeling lonely is very common at university. Once you realise you’re not alone in that sense it becomes a lot easier to see the positives in your life instead of focussing on the moments when you aren’t socialising. Now when I have free time I cherish it and can enjoy sitting down to watch some Netflix, without feeling like I have nothing better to do and am wasting my time at university.

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